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It’s the Greatest Show on Earth!

Monday March 26, 2012

Now that the New Democratic Party’s Leadership Convention is over, let’s take a moment to turn to the greatest spectator sport on Earth: the American Presidential race.

Oh it’s easy most years for us Canadians to sit up here and feel smug watching the antics of the world’s only schizophrenic superpower.

This year though, it’s practically effortless.

Let’s take a look at the Republican candidates for the job.  And I use ‘candidate’ in its broadest, loosest sense.  Really, they’re more like applicants.  Rejected applicants.

These are the guys that are left over after you go through and pick out all the good resumes.  And then you go through all the rest and pick out the decent ones.  And then you pick out the sorta okay ones.  And the ones you can maybe train.  Then you get to the ones submitted in crayon, or with a letter of recommendation from their mother, or the ones who sent in their poorly made scrapbooks.   After those ones, you get to this lot.

These guys are the guys left after you’ve weeded out everyone with even a shred of competence, skill or capability for the job.

God knows no one who can be described with words like “competent” or “capable” or “coherent” or “conscious” wants to lead the rabble that the Republican Party has become.

This parade of total losers can be divided into two groups: Mittens and Not-Mittens.

First off, there is perennial has-been Ricky “My Name Has Become Profanity” Santorum.  The current “not-Mittens” Ricky rather disastrously lost his senate seat back in 2006 due to his extremist views.   The obvious lesson of this massive, overwhelming defeat was to naturally become more extremist.

Despite the foothold he has gained in the wingnut segment of the party, he has been systematically alienating everyone else.  And I mean, everybody else.

His spectacular plan to overcome his deficiency of being a lousy candidate?

He is campaigning against porn and the pill.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the guy who’s already running in second place has decided that he is going to run against pornography and contraception.  The two things that have done more than anything else to grant sexual freedom to millions of Americans.

Almost every American man looks at porn.  Almost every American woman has used the pill.

We’re going to need to invent a new word to express the depth of stupidity here.

So, the other guy who was also “not-Mittens” for a while, he must have been at least kinda decent right?

Well that would be Newt “My Ego Knows No Bounds” Gingrich.  The only man in the universe who can make  a ‘sanctity of marriage’ argument with a straight face while on his third marriage to a former mistress.  His wife also looks like the fembot from Mars Attacks.

Newt can’t win.  His popularity has tanked and he hasn’t won a contest since his home state of Georgia.  He’s succeeded in seriously damaging South Carolina’s role in selecting Republican candidates and he’s confirmed that he’s more toxic than nuclear waste to most Americans.

I fully expect that the next time he tries to build a house, Greenpeace will show up sporting signs that say: “No Newt Disposal Sites!” & “This is a Newt-free Zone!” & “No More Newts.”

Despite the fact that almost everyone hates him, he’s staying in the race to attack Mittens.  He’s decided that the only way to save the Republican village is to destroy it.  And by destroy it, I mean drop a nuke on it from orbit.  Just to be sure.

And then maybe he’ll blow up the Earth afterwards too.   Good thing for him, his wife’s got that in with the Martians!

The last guy in the not-Mittens group is some cranky old fool from Texas that no one but a devoted few are paying any mind.  And rightfully so.

That brings us to Mittens.

Yes, when your Presidential candidate can be nicknamed after a woolly winter accessory, you know you’ve arrived.  Probably not anywhere near where you wanted to arrive, but you have arrived somewhere.

Mitt “Mittens” Romney has set out to prove to all the world that it is indeed possible to buy the American Presidency if you just spend enough money.  To help prove this, he has decided to spend the majority of his time at his beach house in California and instead has deployed an animatronic surrogate to campaign on his behalf.

The Fungineers who have designed the Mittbot reported that it was remarkably easy to create a 90% match to the candidate’s personality, given his plutocratic lack of human feeling.  This was easy to simulate with modern robotics.

Affectionately known around the office as “Mr Etch-a-sketch,” the Mittbot’s biggest challenge has not come from the other “so-called” competitors but from the previous iterations of the Mittbot.  Mittbot 7, the current version, has been struggling to wrap up the nomination despite the “bugs to be squashed” quality of his opponents.  Many attribute this poor adoption of Mittbot 7 by a general public as resulting from the failure of Mittbot Vista and the fact that Mittbot XP remains the standard for business use.

Problems have also cropped up from users with Mittbot 95 and 98, as well as outstanding issues from Mittbot 3.1 that have never been adequately addressed.

As of this writing, however, Mittens has decided to remain in seclusion and continue to deploy the Mittbot, confident that he can win the nomination when he completes his planned purchase of every advertising space in the continental United States.  With complete mastery of television, radio, newsprint, internet, billboards and transit advertising, as well as issuing to every other American a brand new Cadillac with a “Vote Mittens” wrap, he confidently expects to win a decisive 50.00000001% victory this November.

So my fellow Canucks, when we feel disheartened over the state of politics in our country, let us remember this: no matter how low we think things may have gone, the Americans will always show us how much lower it is possible to go.

I’ll be back tomorrow with my thoughts on the Leadership Convention for Canada’s New Democrats and the new Leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition Thomas Mulcair.

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